Tuesday 1 June 2010

I can now say

that i go on holiday THIS month.

Nothing exciting and i wish it wasn't true. Just stating a fact that is relevant today.

That's also a good part of the reason why i'm not asleep right now. Because it's playing on my mind a lot.
If someone said to me that i could pull out my holiday and no one would mind i could get my money back and that then i would be tempted.

Infact i would just say yes. Do that. I don't want to go anymore.
I'm selfish!

=/ That's something a cunt would do.
I'm obviously just a really shit person. MAYBE everyone else is fine and great and all that, everyone is normal and i'm the fucking arsewipe. It would make sense.
FUCK.

I've been in an upset from the minute i came home today. Why?
Oh take a fucking guess.

Why is my mother now becoming a fucking alcoholic like my father.
I don't need all that AGAIN.

And fucking hell, let me be selfish again and say what does this mean for me when i'm older? Am i going to have to avoid alcohol at parties and such because i'm going to be out of controll and anger and upset people.

Will i turn into that person i do not want to be? The odds look rather high.

If i had been dead for the past 6 months, it would make no difference. Once i left college, everything was just shit. But it always will be shit.
If i have no ambitions, no fucking stable family, no one to care, then WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT.

Why was i born?
There's no need for me at all. I mean if there was, i wouldn't be going on like this.

People so less fortunate than me are grateful for life and what little they have.

But here is me.
FUCKING PRICK OF THE UNIVERSE.
And no one likes me.
I don't like me.
Nothing matters anymore.



You see this is my outlook on life.
When i do eventualy fall asleep, i'll wake up. I might cheer up by then. I'll feel stupid about this.
WTF were you on, be happy you ungreatful bastard.
And i'll cover this up, with my "normal" way of being until i'm feeling shit again and all this comes back.

I still have marks from where i cut my arm.
And on my leg aswell.

I don't know if they're going to be there forever or if they'll fade over a long time, but i feel bad about myself every time i see them, which is every day really.

I think i might be bi-polar?
Or just adicted to making up excuses for being a total useless and pointless human being.